Master Pickup Artist
by Authors Note1
Summary: Jack is new to the valley and only has one goal on his mind: Flirting. Too bad he isn't any good at it. Between the confusion and the frustration, can Jack actually get a girl? Either way, hilarity is kind of promised! Rated T for corny pickup lines.


A/N: A very short story. I was bored when the idea hit me, so don't get all upset. No I do not believe all men are like Jack. I just felt like making him the kind of guy who thinks he's so cool, but in reality he's just weird. But come on, don't we all love to tourcher the main protagonist! Right?

Jack: Hey!

A/N: ANYWAYS, Please enjoy!

Jack: I hate you.

A/N: I'm prettier than you.

Jack: ARE YOU SAYING I'M NOT PRETTY!? (starts sobbing)

A/N: Um… Mary… Could you help me out?

Mary: (sighs) A/N owns nothing…. I-I do not even believe I am getting paid to tell you this…

A/N: Um… (Runs away)

Cliff: Why do I never get to do the disclaimer? (pouts)

Ann: OMFG!!!!111!!! Cliff! (glomps cliff)  
---

It was a peaceful day in Mineral Town. The birds were singing, the grass was green, and the sun was kissing the earth with a natural glow. Many sleepy villagers greeted the morning by waking up bright and early and starting their day. The new farmer, Jack… Well… I guess you can say he wasn't a morning person.

Jack groaned as sunlight hit his eyelids and rolled over on his bed. He pulled up the covers over his head. (Knocking over his dog in the process.) His alarm clock then suddenly rang and he groaned again. Jack swore under his breath and finally rolled out of bed.

"Good morning world!" He spat angrily as he dressed into some clean work clothes and did all of his morning rituals.

After Jack had finished breakfast, a knock was heard at the door. The young farmer sighed and opened it.

"Hello?" Jack called out looking outside.

No one was there. "Odd. Whatever though." Jack thought as he was about to shut the door.

"HELLO YOUNG MAN!" A voice called.

"Holy crawfish!" Jack yelped startled by the voice.

The farmer looked down and saw the short and portly mayor stare back at him with a larger than normal creepy smile on his face.

"And a good morning to you too Mr. Harvest!" The shorter man said back, his smile never faltering.

"Um… My sir name isn't Har-" Jack tried to correct.

"Anyhoo! Since this is officially your first full day in Mineral Town, I recommend you to introduce yourself to the town folk. We have many fine interesting people living here." The mayor started.

"That seems nice. Uh-huh." Jack said trying to blow him off.

"There are so many nice young people. Many around your age I would guess." The very short man said with his same creepy smile.

"Young people, huh. Any girls?" Jack asked with sudden interest.

"Ah yes. Five very… different young women." He cleared his throat.

"Hm. I think I'll take you up on your idea Mayor Thomas. I think I will." Jack said stroking his imaginary beard.

"Okay! Bye then Mr. Jack!" And in a blink of an eye, the mayor vanished into thin air.

"That was uncomfortable… But hey five chic's inns a hick town like this! With my stereotypical good looks and awesome personality, they'll be eating out of the palm of my hands! Wait… who am I talking to?" Jack shrugged and decided to leave his home and venture off to town to do the one thing he was sure he was an expert on. Flirting.

Jack aimlessly wondered through the town with a spring in his step. Before he knew it, he found his first victim… I mean girl!

She was standing outside a large building and idly picking flowers surrounding it. The girl had long cotton candy colored hair, very child-like features, and large crimson colored eyes. Jack smirked at her child-like innocence and decided to make his first move.

"Hey!" He called out.

The girl immediately looked up and gave him a smile as she stood up and dusted off her skirt.

"Hello!" She called back as Jack approached her.

"Hey… You must be a farmer, 'cause you're really good at raising cocks." Jack said razing his eyebrows suggestively, but in reality only making himself appear creepy. The young girl didn't notice or just didn't care.

"Oh thanks! I try." The girl blushed.

"Easy as… well… Hopefully she is." Jack thought wickedly.

"… My brother, Rick, is the best at it though." The girl said innocently.

Jack's jaw slightly fell.

"Um…" Jack stuttered.

"The two of us have been raising them since we were little." The girl said blissfully unaware of Jack's urge to throw up.

"I have to go no-" Jack was cut off.

"Oh! Here he is now! Rick!" The cotton candy color haired girl called out (say that three times fast) to her brother.

"Oh! Hey Popuri!" A young man said as he ran up to meet his sister.

The boy had blond hair and soft blue eyes covered by small glasses.

"Hey! I'm Rick. I guess you already met Popuri. You're the new farmer, right?" Rick put out his hand for Jack to shake.

"Um… Yes." Jack squeaked.

Rick took away his hand and scratched his neck nervously when he noticed Jack wasn't going to shake it.

"Um… I have to go." Jack ran away nervously.

"Well… That was rude." Rick commented miffed.

"He seems nice. He told me I was doing a good job at raising cocks!" Popuri said innocently.

"What?" Rick asked.

"You know… taking care of the chicken farm, cocks, chickens… same thing!" She said.

"… Po…. Maybe you need to have a little talk with mom later about irony... and boys" Rick said shaking his head and letting his blond hair fall more over his face.

After being traumatized, Jack continued his quest without letting himself be discouraged. He noticed a large building and walked inside, letting the cool air hit him.

People chatted at tables and around a bar-like area. Jack figured it was some sort of restaurant or Inn like place.

"Hm… " Jack muttered scanning the place for anyone of interest.

A girl with long red hair tied tightly into a braid worked diligently on sweeping the floor. Her blue eyes were crinkled with laughter and good humor. She continued her conversation with a few patrons and chuckled when appropriate.

"Hey." Jack called out to the girl. She turned around and faced him.

"Hi… I'm Ann. My dad owns the Inn. You must be the new farmer." She decided with a friendly smile.

"Yea. I'm Jack. Nice to meet you." He said with a smile.

"Maybe this one will be normal." Jack thought.

"What was that?" Ann asked.

"Oh! Nothing." Jack said nervously.

"I need to stop talking to myself out loud." Jack thought inside his head this time.

"Well it was nice to meet you…" Ann said slightly creped out.

"Hey Ann… If you were on the McDonalds menu, you'd be a McGorgeous." Jack said trying too sound smooth.

"I don't get it." Ann said blankly.

"You know, McDonalds… Mc..." Jack said sheepishly.

"I have to go now." Ann said backing up slowly. "HEY CLIFF!" Ann called out to her favorite emo traveler and glommed him in a hug. Cliff responded by blushing.

"That was weird." Jack said out loud.

"Okay… Two out of five were duds… I bet the next one is a real stunner." Jack thought as he came across what seemed like a clinic.

"Hospital= cute nurses!" Jack's brain concocted. He smirked and walked inside. He was imdiatly face to face with a cute girl with warm brown eyes and short cut brown hair.

"Hello." She greeted sweetly.

"Hellooo." Jack said back.

"My name is Elli. I'm the nurse here! What should I call you?" Elli asked.

"Anything you want." He replied back a little too fast.

"Um… I'd prefer your name." Elli said confused.

"Jack. I'm the new farmer." He said plainly.

"Oh! Nice to meet you, Jack. Now… What seems to be ailing you today?" Elli asked taking out a clip- board out of thin air.

"I think I was bitten by the love bug." Jack said trying and failing to sound suggestive.

"Oh you poor thing! Why don't you go lie down over there." Elli said concerned and lead him to a patient coat.

"Thank you nurse." Jack said smirking inwardly as a job well done.

"Now take of your shirt." Elli said plainly.

"Yes ma'am!" Jack said happily. Elli shot him a confused look as Jack slowly took off his shirt.

"Some time today Mr. Jack." Elli said a little miffed at how long he was taking.

"Sorry, sorry." Jack said still smirking.

"You just rest for now." Elli said kindly and left Jack on his own.

Jack listened to the sound of her shoes tapping against the floor softened until he pumped his fists in the air.

"This could not get any better!" Jack thought excited.

The sound of feet tapping against the floor was heard again, and Jack did his best to make himself seem small.

"Hello sir." A very professional, but very masculine voice called out to Jack.

His eyes traveled up to meet a raven- haired man's.

"Um… What happened to Elli!" Jack said confused.

"Oh. I'm doctor Trent. Elli was unaware of this, "love bug" so she sent me to take care of you." Trent said staring hard at Jack. He gulped.

"Now let's treat you." Trent said pulling out a fake pair of glasses, putting them on, and taking them off.

"Why did you just do that?" Jack asked.

"Because I'm awesome like that. Now let's see what the trouble is…"

One Hour Later

A very pale Jack came out from the clinic feeling very violated. Doctor Trent pocked and prodded Jack until her realized that there was no bug bite. Jack told him it must have been a fire ant or something, then he left without paying.

"This is so not working out for me." Jack sighed.

"Hey!" A voice called out to him.

Jack turned around and was face to face with a very pretty older girl. Her hair was brown with blond highlights and her eyes were as green as emeralds.

"Hey." Jack said back.

"The names Karen. You must be Jack. Our creepy little mayor told us about you." Karen said hands on her hips.

"Oh did he? Sweet. Hey Karen… If I told you that you had a nice body… Would you hold it against me?" Jack said smirking.

"We are being hypothetical, right?" Karen asked.

"Of course."

"I'd slap you across the face." Karen said seriously.

"Hypothetically of course."

"Of course." Karen replied.

"Wanna make out?" Jack asked.

"Get a life. I have a boy friend." Karen said annoyed.

"Oh?" Jack asked amused.

"Yeah. Rick… You know, tall, blond hair, blue eyes, a hyperactive sister… You meet him yet?" Karen asked wondering why she was still talking to this creep.

"… You're dating the guy who raises cocks?" Jack asked starting to feel sick.

"Yeah… I don't really care for them. I just like the way they taste. Rick loves taking such good care of them. Him and his sister must have, like ten of them." Karen said unaware that Jack was thinking of it's other meaning.

"Oh. I'm just going to go now." Jack said very confused and natshouis.

"Okaaay then." Karen shrugged and walked away whistling.

"Four of the five girls in this hick town are crazy! Okay… The last single girl in town… Please, please, please don't be crazy… Crazy hot I can live with." Jack decided.

He soon came across a library.

"Smart girl, huh? Well… let's see." Jack said walking inside.

The room was slightly dim for a library and it smelt musty like old books.

Jack soon spotted a girl reading a thick novel. She had long raven colored hair that she kept loosely in a ponytail and bright soft blue eyes that were hidden by thick glasses.

"Hello." Jack greeted. The girl gasped, startled.

"O-oh! H-hello. Welcome to the library. My name is Mary." She said shyly.

"Well Mary. I'm Jack, and if you were a book, I'd totally check you out." Jack said as he leaned over her desk. Mary rolled her eyes.

"So, you would only be interested in me unless I was a piece of literature?" Mary questioned.

"Huh? Oh no. I'm interested in you as a person!" Jack said confused.

"Oh, but you just said you only wanted to look at me in a derogatory fashion unless I was a book." Mary summed up.

"… It was a pick-up line." Jack said simply.

"And a poor one at that." Mary said chuckling softly. "Has that worked on any girl before?" Mary asked amused.

"Is it working on you?" Jack asked in a low voice.

"Not even a little." Mary said smiling at him brightly.

"Oh come on!" Jack said frustrated.

"If you are here to be annoying then leave. If you want to check out a book then do so." Mary said crossly.

"I HATE THIS TOWN!!!" Jack screamed as he ran out the door.

Mary merely giggled and picked up her book. As Jack ran away screaming like a bangee, Gray walked inside.

"Hello Mary." He said offering her a rare smile.

"Hello Mr. Blacksmith." Mary said teasingly.

"Mary… Do you remember about our little talk about messing with other peoples minds?" Gray teased, referring to Jack.

"Totally worth it." Mary said smiling then turned back to her book.

A/N: Yes. Kai was not mentioned. Why? Because I didn't feel like it. The story took place in spring.

Kai: I hate you.

A/N: And I hate you!

Kai: Why?

A/N: You hate Rick! And he's like kickass. Anyways, I hope you enjoyed. Please review. No flames. They burn! Thanks for reading!


End file.
